That's me in the spotlight losing my perspicacity

Ok, so I went a little insane with stress and lashed out a bit. It's all good now.

I was copping a lot of heat from the "business" over missing figures in one of our systems. Longish story which all began back in 2001 when I started working on the project for The Bank. Anyways, I was basically part of a small team that created the upload of interfaces into this system. 3 or 4 blurry years later, and a new position in Production Support, I am apparantly the guru of the whole entire fucking world. FOOLS. So whenever there's a problem the "business" come to me and expect answers. I can usually pull something out of my behind, but this time they caught me at a bad moment so I fobbed them off and went home. I must've mentioned I'd log in and do some more work from home.. fuck knows why I'd say such a blatant lie.

So this morning, about 5 emails were sitting in my inbox explaining what the problem was and how they've fixed it. Thank christ for that. So anyways, I calls them up coz I thought it was the right thing to do. I pretty much copped it sweet for not logging back in and helping out because they were working to the "wee hours". Well tough fucking titties retards. Welcome to my world. Fuck it pissed me off. I may or may not have deserved a serve, but the issue in the end was due to errors in a particularly important process that they SHOULD FUCKING KNOW ABOUT. I mean this process is what posts the figures into the system in question. Hmmmm, figures in one system... missing in another system... should we look at the process that posts them? No, let's assume it's a bigger issue and drag Ben's sorry arse into the mix. Cunts.

I'm wearing a tie today.

DON'T FORGET, YOU'RE HERE FOREVER

*Sigh*

There is nothing that is getting me through these days. Sure, I have an incredibly amazing wife, a gorgeous house, beautiful pets, and all the good things. But as far as spending about %30 of my current hours in my job, every single one of those is wasted. I'm currently at a point where I am getting nothing out of my job other than money and some time to decide which tracks to put on my PSP to listen to while travelling to and from work.

I look up to other people in the office. They go about their business, not a word said. They do their job, day in, day out. But I'm struggling worse than ever before. Some of us know I go through these phases. Something comes up that I'm interested in nutting out and everythings cool. These are too few and far between.

So what's keeping me here? Responsibility. I've come to a fully drawn conclusion that I am so not a white collar worker, but I have a responsibility to my wife, my future family and my best interests to stick it out for the money. After all, isn't that what it all boils down too? I could get another job. I could change careers to say a mechanic, a labourer, whatever. There's nothing stopping me from doing that, we are the masters of our own domains. We make our own decisions and deal with the consequences. But most important to me is respect, and a comfortable life for my family. So I stick it out. But that doesn't mean I can't gripe along the way. I'm not going down kicking and screaming :) And I do that quite well lol.

I guess this all goes to show how important it is to tread ever so carefully when your education draws to an end. All through high school I was blue collar. I wanted to be a plumber, a panel beater, a mechanic, an electrician, just about any trade, you name and it was on my mind. In the end while deciding which uni courses to put in I thought I'd best put something down. So I put computer courses, because that's where the money is. I was right on that level, but wrong on so many others.

I guess I have a lot to be envious of, and please excuse the arrogance of that. But I am totally envious of folks who are living their passion. I guess it really hit home when Irwin left us. Yes, I thought he was a complete tosser, but I never understood what he was on about until he shuffled off this mortal coil. As pathetic as it is, I now have nothing but respect for the croc-a-fella. I wish I knew this before, it may or may not have made any difference. BUT having typed this out and given it some thought, if I made a different decision, then I wouldn't be right here, right now. And there's nothing in my life that I would want different other than a career I'm interested in. So fuck it all and deal with it, Beno.

In the immortal words of Bathory... FIRE!!

Ennui reigns supreme

Back in the office after a fantastic long weekend spent with my better half. No boss, no work and totally bored. I kind of wish that there was some sort of connection between mind and keyboard because I just had a good long ponder about life and society and ended up getting quite riled up. Now I've forgotten where it all started.

I guess I was thinking predominately about the inherent selfish nature of the human race. I've always tried to be completely selfless for as long as I can remember, yet I always end up doing completely selfish things and end up resenting myself for it. I don't do it intentionally and I sure as hell don't walk through life acting solely to get what's best for me. So what's with the selfishness, and whose at fault? What an odd question too.. who is to blame for me (we) being selfish?

We work our arses off, not speaking for everybody in the world, but often in jobs we'd rather not be doing. What for? Money. We need it to survive. Essentially, money is about important to life as blood and vital organs. Without it we couldn't eat, drink, stay clothed, be warm in winter, cool in summer, etc etc. The more money you have, the better one can live. Seems harsh, but unfortunately I can't see how it's any different. I'm not saying money has any correlation with quality of life as that's a whole different kettle of fish.

Anyways, as I usually do, I was dreaming about winning powerball. Why? To get out of this office and start living a life without the fiscal ball and chain. Then I thought for a start, shirking financial responsibilities? Seems selfish. But what would I do with say $15 million? Of course there's paying off my debts, helping friends and family as much as they would allow me too, and invest so I'd never have to work another day. Get a job doing something I enjoy etc etc. Make significant contributions to charities of my choice. That seems to be selfless acts, yet would helping friends and family be portrayed as an act to make myself feel better, or a genuine act of selflessness? Would people think I pity them or think I'm trying to buy their love or just give them a break and share the wealth? Would people see my donations to charity as an act of kindness or as a tax dodge? Would I care? Afterall, I would be $15 million richer. Would it bring me happiness, or a world of pain? Thankfully, it's nigh impossible to win powerball so it's not like I'll ever be put in this position.

So anyways, a cigarette later I'm thinking more along the lines of fuck it. I'm secure enough with myself to know I'm not a selfish person and what others think is up to them. But it's more the selfishness of those in a position of power that really annoys me, i.e. polititions. I'm not political, I don't follow it and I try not to care. Afterall, they rule the country and it's their job to ensure we progress as a nation and maintain peace and harmony in society, and I have to say they're not impressing me very much.

We've been blatantly lied too, our hard earned dollars that we involuntarily pump into the budget keeps our troops in Iraq, builds tollways, doesn't save Telstra nor Medibank Private, keeps teachers and nurses underpaid and undervalued, keeps us paranoid about terrorist attacks, and with a massive surplus at the end of the day, what's done with it? Tax cuts which allow the rich to become richer? Good job fellas. I don't mean to be cynical, and I'm sure if I looked hard enough there's a bunch of good to come out of Howards dictatorship.. sorry, I meant time in office.

I've kind of strayed, nay, never made a point.. or maybe I've made several points, I'm too indecisive to know exactly what I'm talking about. Ever. Maybe I'm trying to say I'm an Indecisive-Anti-Howard-reluctantly-selfish-peace-loving-torrorism-paranoid-freak who doesn't want to pay tolls or taxes. But who isn't?

I like football.

To blog or not to blog

Ok. I give in. Blogging looks like fun. I feel like I'm missing out so here's my effort. Unfortunately I have nothing to blog about. I mean, what the bloody hell am I doing here? Michael Cain style.

So anyways, I'm at work at the moment which is when I'll be doing my blogging from here on in so I suppose I'll be bitching about all thing office related. Just what we need.. another bloody digruntled, jaded office boy.

15 minutes till I'm outta here so profoundness will be sadly lacking from this post. So hows about I give a self-centred spiel.

28, married to the one most beautiful, Debs of Croyds, littlest brother of the one most artistically talented, Paul.

I have many things I'm proud of, aside from the 2 afore mentioned, my other brother and 2 bro-good-blood-in-laws. In fact I want to stop there to reiterate that these are the most important things in my life and will stop at nothing to make them as proud. But most of all, Mrs Ben, the bestest ever.

Well that's about it for now.